Time for a Remake, by j (and a, a little bit)

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Friday night A and the mom gathered around the flat screen at 10:30pm to watch a flick.

There are very few movies that we all want to watch together. I like horror flicks (and more recently…”Lie To Me”), A likes saccharine Christmas movies (I will not watch Jack Frost. No.) and mom likes anything with Queen Latifah (barf).

But there is one film that gets us all excited, “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”. SBFSB is perhaps, the best musical ever. I remember first watching it in my childhood home when I was sick at home. Eventually all the sisters watched the 1954 musical and we all decided it was tops.

As I get older and watch it with a more critical eye…and the more I do that, the more I just want to keep SBFSB as sacred.

Here’s a brief synopsis:

Adam Pontipee is a mountain man who comes to town to do his bi-yearly business (what does that mean? Selling grain, buying lye? I don’t know). But this trip he has one extra item on the list to pick up…a wife. Yup, Adam wants to get hitched…like, now. He eventually stumbles across the lovely Milly during the musical’s first number where he sings about what he wants (pretty, trim, not to slim, and sassy as can beeeee!). He propositions Milly over top of a cow as she’s milking (she’s good stock, can work the land!) and she accepts out of desperation to get out of the boarding house she works in.

After a quickie marriage, they’re on the way back up the mountain. During the journey Milly pontificates about how excited she is to “cook and clean for one man, just one man” and Adam gets all quiet and waters the horses. BECAUSE HE’S A LIAR.

As soon as the newly married couple gets to the house Milly meets the six neanderthal brothers that live with Adam on the farm. They smoke, fight, leer and act like monkeys at the dinner table. The house if filthy, the laundry is piled up, but now that Adam “got himself a wife” things are gonna change!

Milly resigns herself to her fate and gets down and dirty with the laundry, and in the process decides to reform the brothers. She teaches them how to dance, and how to “court” a girl and the advantages of bathing . All the while her husband laughs at her and ignores her lessons (“I already got me a wife”).

Enter the barn raising (my favourite scene) where the Pontipee brothers find “their girls”. But their girls have fancy-schmancy suitors from town (A believed them to be Spanish for some reason). So, a fight ensues at the barn raising. But it isn’t any old fight…it’s a dance-fight off.

After that the brothers sing a song while chopping wood about missing the women they only met once (“can’t say no vows, to a herd of cows”). And Caleb does a kick ass axe dance.

The brothers mope around and then Adam gives tells them a story about the Sobbin’ Women (note: the real story is “The Rape of the Sabine Women”…yes, rape). About how the Romans kidnapped the Sabine women and force them into marriage (and other situations, I have no doubt). Well, wouldn’t you know it the brothers think this is a fine idea and gather their rope to do some abductin’.

The brothers return with frightened women and Milly chews them out and forces them to stay in the barn “with the rest of the animals”. Adam has none of that shit and takes off for the hunting cabin.

Weeks turn to months and we have an awesome song montage showing the brothers and the kidnapped women falling in love.  By the Spring Milly is preggo and Adam returns when he hears he’s got a little daughter (“She had a girl? Figures,” Adam says when his youngest brother brings the news). Adam, after a change of heart (one look at that kiddo and he becomes father of the year) and decides to take the kidnapped women back. Apparently he needed to have a baby girl to know that kidnapping and forcing a woman to marry a man she doesn’t know is not a good idea.

Adam gathers the horses, but the brothers have their guns…the women love them (which is a case of Stockholm Syndrome if I’ve ever seen one) and they “ain’t gonna let any one take them away”. Because someone kidnapping the women twice just isn’t right. Adam convinces them that killing the fathers and brothers of the women is a bad idea and not a good way to start a marriage.

The brothers decide that they should give the women back, so they get ready…except the women don’t want to leave! They want to stay! They love their partnered brother!

Physical comedy ensues and culminates into a fight between the families of the women and the brothers. At the end a father hears a Milly’s baby cry and then all the women claim the baby theirs resulting in 6 shot gun weddings.

The end.

See? So many reasons I shouldn’t love this flick.

Therefore I have a solution…let’s do a remake!

I even have the cast all done.

Adam Pontipee & Milly

Originally played by Howard Keel and Jane Powell:

Howard and Jane

My choices are:

Chris Hemsworth

He proved that he can act like a giant dick, just the way Adam is in the flick.

And as for Milly we go with:

Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried is blonde enough and can pull off the pioneer woman role.

As for the rest of the brothers:

Benjamin (Liam Hemsworth)

The younger brother to Chris can play the burly Benjamin.

Caleb (Neil Patrick Harris)

Caleb’s role is that of a gangly tough dancer.  NPH is both gorgeous and nimble. He could kill that axe dance (but he can forgo the goatee that movie Caleb sports).

Daniel (Fug from Rascal Flatts)

Ok, I think that the actor that played Daniel in the movie is ugly as fuck.  So, he deserves an equally ugly looking guy.  Which is Fug, the Rascal Flatts frontman.

Ephraim (Rupert Grint)

Apart from actually being a red head, Rupert also fulfills the goofy character of Ephraim (remember when he wants to talk to the girls in town and offers them a char of chewing tobacco? bhahaha!).

Frank (Shia LaBeouf)

Frank’s character needs a scrappy guy but can still dance and be adorable.  Enter Shia.  And I think he would smell sweet.

Gideon (Michael Cera)

Gideon is the sweet, stupid and most emotional brother.  Enter Michael Cera.

The Brides:

Dorcas (Mila Kunis)

The most unfortunate named bride “Dorcas Gayland” was played by Catwoman herself, Julie Nemar.  And those pioneer dresses were not able to hide Julie’s physical beauty.

Ruth (Jennifer Lawrence)

Ruth was blonde, and she was the angriest when she was kidnapped.  Made me think of Jennifer Lawrence.

Liza (Anne Hathaway)

Liza is pretty, loud and thinks she’s the best singer.  Ta da.

Martha (Kirsten Dunst)

Liza is the ugliest bride.  Case closed.

Sarah (Anna Kendrick)

Wholesome Sarah, played by my new favourite.

Alice (Taylor Swift)

Alice is by far the stupidest character in the film…truly slow.  I’ve seen Taylor’s acting chops, I think she can pull off stupid.

Alright, there you have it…now will someone please make this happen (and perhaps make the storyline a little less offensive?!).

And now enjoy my favourite scene:

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About weywardsisters

The Three Weyward Sisters first appeared in Shakespeare’s “Macbeth”. It turns out we have more in common with these “weird” sisters than we thought. In the Shakespeare play the sisters represent darkness, chaos and conflict. We’ll leave it up to you to decide which of us represents each. They also usually show up to mark impending doom. Well, we certainly hope that our presence on this little corner of the Interwebs doesn’t mean impending doom for anyone. However, we find our commonalities with the witches in other ways. To be weyward means to be willful, disobedient and to turn away from what is “right or proper”. Those who know us would whole heartedly agree – we are three weyward sisters. We are three headstrong, stubborn (some more than others), obstinate and willful sisters. Read at your own risk.

3 responses »

  1. I asked another fan of the musical genre (Rosie) for her take. She agrees with all the choices (particularly Michael Cera and the “Harry Potter” guy) and suggests a more modernized “Seven Partners for Seven Brothers” take where you can replace Taylor Swift and Kristen Bell for men. Surely not all seven brothers are straight. Eh eh?

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